WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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