Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
