Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
