remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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