i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
