I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
