at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
We have started to decorate penises.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
