i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
