It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
