I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Randomize
