I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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