she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
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