and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
