No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I have tasted many bathrooms
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