dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
