I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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