She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
