Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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