I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
