as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
