We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
