i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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