someone get that fucking seahorse.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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