Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
