Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I just blew my weed a kiss
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
