i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
