Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
