This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Randomize
