I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
