I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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