i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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