Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize
