I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
