I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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