last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
