If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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