We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
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