life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
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