I'm so fucking centered right now
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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