fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
we're so committed to being not committed
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
