I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
