Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
