I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
