fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Randomize
