I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
do herpes really smell.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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