I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
