Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Randomize
