U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
