Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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