new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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